Davy Jones

Say it ain't so, Davy Jones dead?... it can't be... it just can't be.

But it is, the news just cleared the wires. DAVY JONES OF THE MONKEES DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK AT 66.

A huge piece of my and our youth vanishes with the passing of Davy, because the Monkees were the epitome of eternal youth. Silly, disrespectful - in a fun way and full of life.

I was first a Beatles fan, but at 11 years old when the Monkees hit the scene, WOW! It was like the Beatles and the Marx Brothers had a litter of, well...  Monkees. They were funny, they were on every week and the music was good. I wanted my hair as long as Mike's, my Mom said, "Your hair will NEVER be that long".  Never say never Mom, eventually even my Dad's hair was as long as Mike's.


While the Monkees TV series was short lived, two years I think. Their music endured. Just listen to I'm A Believer or Not Your Steppin' Stone... still good pop music. For a treat listen to their a cappella Christmas Song...Riu Chiu...an absolute treat. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_hlYgCNFZc

My love affair with the Monkees continues. I watch their TV show whenever I can and avoid their movie Head like any Monkee fan does. I have, in my bonus room, a Monkees metal lunch box from the 60's and in my office hangs this picture of me and Mr. Jones circa 1988.
 
I had the distinct pleasure of introducing the Monkees on stage at The Greek Theater and The Universal Amphitheater on several occasions while a DeeJay at K-Earth in Los Angeles. And Davy, as well as the rest of the boys were wonderful... well actually Peter can be a bit of a stinker, but hey who cares.

So, farewell Davy Jones and farewell to that piece of my youth that belongs to you. And thank you for the hours and hours of laughter and joy.

Wolfman Jack

This past Monday was the birth date of a great man. A man I admired from the time I was a youngster and still do. A man that I finally had the chance to meet and  work with in 1983. That man was Bob Smith, or more formally Robert Westin Smith.

Bob Smith was born January 21, 1938 in Brooklyn, NY, this past Monday would have been his 70^th birthday, but we lost Bob in 1995 when he was only 57 years old.

Bob Smith has been featured in film, television, recordings and radio. He had legions of fans who had never seen his face but they fell in love with him through the medium that he loved and I might add, loved him as well…radio.

I should probably mention that Bob Smith was better known as Wolfman Jack.

The Wolfman was flat out cool, that voice, the howl and that gritty giggle, what a talent.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am huge Wolfman Jack fan. His part in American Graffiti is somewhat responsible for me getting into radio. The bit with him at the radio station, eating popsicles, as a very young Richard Dreyfuss, as Kurt, comes to make a request is pure magic.

 

In 1983 I was working in Los Angeles for Greater Media which owned H-HITS FM. Greater Media wanted an AM station to sell in combo with then FM so they bought long time AM rocker KRLA. Included in the deal were radio legends The Real Don Steele, Humble Harve, Johnny Hays and Wolfman Freakin’ Jack. Are you kidding me? I’m gonna be working across the glass form The Wolfman?!?!?! WOW!!!

When I met him he had “blossomed”, by that I mean he was about as wide as he was

tall. He was wearing jeans, a black leather vest and a blue jean cowboy hat with a big

giant feather headband. He was as cool as I had hoped and friendly too. I don’t

remember what it was but I said something to him that made him laugh and he actually

laughed the Wolfman laugh, how cool is that?

I never saw him again after I left K-HITS in 1985 but I think of him often and am

so grateful to have had the opportunity to meet him and work with him.

Wolfman Jack…one of a kind, one of the last of a dying breed and flat out cool.

Here are a couple of great Wolfman Jack links:

The Wolfman Jack Online Museum

 Wolfman Jack Radio Program.

What am I Anyway?

What am I anyway? At the outset this seems like an odd and somewhat pathetic question about oneself, doesn’t it? But really what am I, a liberal or a conservative? Am I a Republican or a Democrat, a walking contradiction or just normal? Honestly…I don’t know.

Actually, I’m all over the map and I’ll bet, or ay least I’m hoping a lot of you are too. And not just in politics, this carries over into everyday life as well.

I’ll reveal a few things about myself and let’s see if you can pigeonhole me.

I am absolutely 100% opposed to abortion but I think marijuana should be legal.

 

I voted for Democrat Jimmy Carter, but now don’t care much for him. I voted for Independent Ross Perot, but now don’t even know where he is. I voted for Republican George W. Bush, but now don’t care much for him.

I will not vote for Hilary Clinton, but I hope she wins…just to get the loony left to shut up for four years.

I am a fan of Bill Maher but disagree with almost everything he says. Same goes for Alec Baldwin, Aaron Sorkin and Larry David.

I hate the bad influences and role models of some entertainment but I love the movie Pulp Fiction and one of my favorite Rolling Stones songs is Sympathy for the Devil, go figure.

I love ketchup, spaghetti sauce and salsa but hate tomatoes.

I go to a fairly fundamentalist church, where we believe Jesus Christ is Messiah but there are no crosses in the church, there is a however a menorah and a dove at the alter.

My record collection has several Sinatra albums wedged in between the Archies and Frank Zappa.

Now, you might think I’m being flip or am just trying to get a laugh with some of the items above but I’m not, I’m dead serious with each of these. And this short list doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. This is the contradiction of being me.

So what am I? Democrat? No! Republican? Nope. Some would say Libertarian, but that sounds too much like librarian for my liking plus I don’t know if they all hate tomatoes.

The Busy Travel Season

I spend quite a bit of time traveling and that means quite a bit on time on airplanes and in airports.

Here are some tips to help make your travel and in turn MY travel a much more pleasant experience.

The weather is not the airlines fault. If, while checking in, you are told that your flight is delayed because of weather, no amount of whining, pouting or temper tantrums will change these circumstances. The more you raise your voice, threaten legal action or ask loudly, “Do you know who you are dealing with?”, the more stupid you look. When the weather clears you and the other 200 to 200,000 people who have been inconvenienced will be on their way.

This next guy is usually the same one who was yammering at the check-in counter.

Mr. I like to talk really loud on my cell phone.

 Hey, nobody cares what your 2^nd quarter projections are, where you are eating tonight or who is picking you up in Orlando. Pipe the freak down.

Extra moron points go to the cyborgs who now insist on wearing their cell phones on the side of their heads. Please don’t stand right next to me and ask what time it is, then look at me like I’m a jerk for answering because I didn’t know that you had that space age leach thingy attached  to the other side of your face.

The boarding process is fairly easy to understand; disabled and special needs passengers go first, followed by first class, then club members and after that the rest of us board as part of groups, usually, one through six.

Please tell me how the announcement, “At this time we’ll begin boarding special

needs passengers.”, translates to, “EVERYBODY rush the gate and crowd around

so nobody can get through.”?

If you’re in group three calmly wait to hear the announcement, “Group three may now board”. The plane isn’t going to leave with out you, even though it probably should.

Attention mouth breathers, if you’re going to sleep on the plane please bring some

Tic Tacs. When you fall to sleep and your melon drops to the side your gaping mouth is

only about 10 inches from my face and even closer to my protruding nose.

That stinch coming from your pie hole, as my Dad says, could gag a maggot. If you don’t bring Tic Tacs, I’ll drop one of my own in there….AGAIN! That includes you Princess Perfect who can’t figure out the difference between seat A29 and F26.

Finally, when we get to our destination and we go to pick up our bags, I’ve made mine pretty easy to identify, I put a white hair scrunchy on the handle. Many people do the same thing. There is luggage with big red ribbons, some have blue yarn while others have a yellow bandanas, all to make that bag easy to identify to the owner.

If you didn’t put a ribbon, yarn, bandana or some other identifier on YOUR luggage, one didn’t grow there during the plane trip between Dallas and Charlotte. But there he is, Mr. Cyborg, ear thingy, on the phone, talking too loud, mouth breather, picking up every bag that passes by to read the airline tag. He says to no one in particular, “These darn black bags, they all look the same”.

Yeah, except for the big pink scarf you had to move out of the way to read the tag to see that the bag was not yours.

So, this travel season when you come to the airport bring your manners, an extra helping of patience and for goodness sake DO NOT FORGET THE TIC TACS.

Tis the Season

CAUTION: This edition of Michael On The Air is laced with words and phrases that may insult, hurt or damage you. Some of these words and phrases are so vile and disgusting that the very mention of them might do permanent harm to your psyche causing you to undergo pricey therapy for years to come. So, keep reading at your own risk. There will be no cash payouts for those who do continue to read and are insulted, belittled or degraded beyond what a human being should have to endure.

Merry Christmas!

There…I’ve said it, that vile and disgusting phrase that is causing so much pain and suffering. Yes, we’re back to the Christmas Season and the lunatic fringe is screaming bloody murder, running for their very lives from stores who would actually have the first amendment gall to say, “Merry Christmas” to them. They say it’s the height of offensive behavior to have someone wish them a “Merry Christmas” during this… er… um… well, Christmas Season. And that doing so is SO patently offensive that said establishments should pay…literally, for the pain and suffering caused by this unwarranted and cruel behavior.

Meanwhile, the ACLU is in full attack dog mode, going after anyone who would dare display a Nativity Scene anywhere that the “public” might see it. I’ll paraphrase Dennis Miller here who said that the ACLU will sue every town who would dare display a Nativity Scene BUT will also sue for the “rights” of the local town pervert who wants to have sex with the plastic animals in the Nativity Scene. Right on Dennis!

Pardon me for thinking clearly but it is the Christmas Season, Christmas Day is the traditional celebration of Christ’s birth and if you don’t like it or it is so offensive to you, then be an adult about it, quietly sit it out, put your money where your big mouth is and refuse any and ALL gifts or Christmas bonuses, go to work on Christmas Day and enjoy yourself. But no eating the fruitcake from the company party. 

Last night while driving home I accidentally caught a glimpse of a Nativity Scene and yet, somehow, I lived to tell about it. Believe it or not the horror of seeing the baby Jesus surrounded by his Mom and Pop, the wise men and several plastic and oddly sized animals did not permanently scar me or cause me to drive my car into a tree or take the lives of others.

Bear with us Christmas haters, the well wishes from strangers and friends alike will cease shortly and then you can be happy again. The thoughts of Peace, Joy and Goodwill toward men, will fade as the New Year begins. The stores will replace all the Christmas décor with the displays for the next big moneymaker for them, Valentines Day…or should I say “Saint” Valentines Day…holy guacamole here we go again.

Merry Christmas…God Bless You All…Peace, Joy and Goodwill.

Race for the White House 2008

I am watching with joyful glee the race for the White House.

I think most of us will agree the GWB has been a bit of a disappointment. Some will say the worst president ever, while others still feel the love for him.

I fall somewhere in the middle. I don’t like some of the decisions he’s made, I think he’s stubborn and has listened to some really bad advice. But on the other hand I don’t think he lied to me either. I also think that W is, both not as nice, nor not as stupid as many will say he is.

I find it interesting that those who argue so vehemently that the President pulled the wool over the eyes of the whole world, including some of the great thinkers of our time are

also the same ones who say that George W. Bush is so stupid that he can’t tie his

own shoes. 

Yes, I’m talking to you Bill Maher. I’m a big fan of yours but the constant, “I hate Bush” and “Bush is stupid” drivel that you have stooped to is unfunny, not entertaining at all and quite honestly below you. I believe you have more talent and more intelligent things to say than that.

Come on friends, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say on one hand that he is dumber than rocks then on the other say that he masterminded not only the take down of the World Trade Towers but then somehow fooled the whole world into believing his made up evidence, which would be pretty brilliant when you think about the scope of such an undertaking.

However, George Bush is yesterday’s news, we now look toward a new occupant

in the White House. And it’s getting fun.

Here is why I watch with joyful glee.

The far left of this country, including Hollywood and a lot of the print and broadcast media seem to have come to the conclusion that there will be a Democrat in the White House but their not sure which one yet, well except for NBC who has done everything but make Brian Williams put on a short cheerleader skirt and yell, “Obama, Obama he’s my man”, at the top of his nightly newscast, with Merideth, Al and Matt waving Pom Poms behind him.

The shoe in, Billary Cinton, stumbled in Iowa then recovered in NH, or did she? A careful look at the delegate count, courtesy of FOX News will show you that Billary and Don’t Tell Mama I’m for Obama tied in New Hampshire with 9 delegates each.

And now our first, self proclaimed, “black” president, Slick Willy has his brothers, that is the black population, mad at him for saying that the whole Obama phenomenon is the biggest fairy tale he’s ever seen. Meanwhile his other half Bill Junior has the same folks mad at her for saying that Marty King has less to do with the Civil Rights Movement taking hold than Lyndon Johnson did.

Weeeeeeeeee!!! Uh oh perhaps that was a bit too Howard Dean, sorry. I mean hold on it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

www.michaelontheair.com

Talents for Living

Okay, Situational Extroverts or garden variety introverts, this blog is all for you. Here are some tips on getting through that dinner party, gathering or get together.

Do you remember Felix the Cat? He had a bag of tricks and he could perform miracles from that little bag…you need a similar bag of tricks.

The first item in your bag of tricks is you, just simply and elegantly be you. Don’t try to tell someone else’s jokes or stories, don’t dress like someone else or talk like someone else, don’t echo someone else’s opinions. Just be, honest to goodness, you, it works, most of the time.

Secondly, remember people’s names, you’ll go a long way toward making fast friends and a good impression if you’ll just take the effort to remember the names of the people you’re meeting, it’s a very simple common courtesy. How many times have you heard someone say to you, “What’s your name again…I’m really bad with names”. Not a very impressive thing to say is it? What that person is really saying is, “Hey I’m a jackass and I have no interest in investing the three seconds it will take to memorize your name”. Learning a name is a valuable tool it can get you out of a scrape later on in the evening. Here’s how, say you want to get the attention off yourself, it’s important and smart to have a “go to” guy or girl in the room and if you know names it’s easy to point across the room and say out loud, “Sean has a great story about that”. Bingo…all eyes go that way. Sean is now the center of attention and you can once again scurry off to a corner.

The third item in your bag of tricks is just that…tricks…there are some very easy to learn and very effective coin, match, rubber band or toothpick tricks that you can whip out for one person or the whole crowd.

The purpose of these tricks is not to draw attention to yourself but quite the opposite, you are drawing attention to the illusion. And in the moments when the partiers are asking each other, “how’d he do that?”, you can vanish once again into that very special corner that has become very comfy for you. The book Sneaky Feats is chalk full of very quick and easy illusions.

Another item in your bag of tricks should be knowledge, be full of general knowledge, but most importantly, learn and know stuff most people don’t know. For instance, did you know that the little plastic thingy on the end of your shoelace is called an aglet? Or that one of the guys who helped develop the first flush toilet was named Crapper? Sir Thomas Crapper? These tidbits of generally useless Jeopardy knowledge can come in very handy.

To Be or Not to Be….that is the question.

And that’s about all that most folks can recite of Hamlet’s riff to Ophelia…learn this one piece of Shakespeare and you’ll be a hit at any gathering.

http://www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare/hamlet/hamlet.3.1.html

Learn the preamble to the constitution or a few classic poems. Learn all the US president’s names or the names of the states in reverse alphabetical order, at the very least learning the states, capitals, major cities and attractions of each state will give you something to say to anyone you meet, after all everyone is from somewhere. All very impressive parlor tricks, again, designed to get the attention off of you.

Remember that when you see someone on TV or on stage, most of their witty comments and banter are either scripted or planned in advance. Have your own collection of carefully planned “ad libs”, so that when a situation arises you can throw in a zinger or two from across the room…then vanish again.

The point of all this is not to make you the “life of the party” or to make you seem like a showoff or know it all. But it’s to give you some tools and techniques to help you survive and also often thrive in uncomfortable situations.

Most of these “tricks” will take some time and effort…but no pain no gain, right? The payoff will far outweigh up front sacrifice and the results are fun.

And finally here’s my favorite thing to do at Christmas time. In most craft or party stores near Christmas they have jingle bell necklaces, one single Christmas bell on a red or gold cord, a spiffy addition to any party ensemble, male, female or in between.

These bells are usually under a buck and I buy 20 of them every Christmas. I wear these bells to parties, I wear them when I’m out Christmas shopping, I wear them throughout the season. Always, and I mean EVERYTIME, I wear one of those little one dollar bells someone will mention it, like, “Hey, love your jingle bell” or “How cute” or something along those lines.

Here’s the fun part, whenever somebody says something about the bell I take it off my neck and put it around theirs. You would not believe the reactions I get from this simple little gift. I’ve gotten bear hugs from strangers, tears from several and yes a few outright refusals but 98% of the recipients are touched by this little bell and for those few seconds magic happens. The Spirit of Christmas is alive in that cheap, tacky, one dollar jingle bell.

So, Situational Extroverts and introverts alike, take heart this Holiday Season there is help for us all.

Be yourself… remember names… listen… give someone a bell… ask questions… make a coin disappear… drink egg nog… recite Shakespeare… go home… you’re a hit.

And, finally that night as you drift off to sleep, you’ll snooze soundly knowing that you’ve made it through another party… and it was, after all, kinda fun. You’ll sleep not only with visions of sugarplum fairies dancing in your head but also with the knowledge that there are approximately ten million bricks in the Empire State Building.

Situational Extrovert

Are you an introvert or are you an extrovert? Whichever you are might determine how much fun the Holiday Season is for you.

 

If you are an extrovert you probably can’t wait for the next party, get together or dinner. You’re hoping that there is dancing, karaoke or perhaps even a game of Twister.

For the introvert this could be a painful time of year, dreading the next social gathering,

mixer or Christmas bash. The worst thing for the introvert is joining in, being dragged onto the dance floor or worse yet singing around a piano.

Why people are introverted or extroverted is somewhat of a mystery The Stanford Report has a lengthy and brain numbing story about some aspects here:

 http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2002/july10/sciencegab-710.html

…but more mysterious yet are those of us who straddle between the two, the Situational Extrovert.

That’s me, put a mic in my hand and push me on stage in front of 15,000 people and I feel alive, complete and at home. To me there’s no better feeling in the world than to have a thousand watt spotlight on my face. BUT, put me in room with 10 to 20 strangers and I feel like a frightened turtle, I want to be in my shell. I will be pleasant and chit-chat but I would rather just sit, watch and listen.

I have been chastised by dates who have taken me to parties expecting, I guess, the “on stage” Michael to show up only to be embarrassed by the “off stage” Michael’s quietness

and less than enthusiastic participation in singing, dancing and merrymaking. I decided to “fix” my problem and you can too.

In tomorrow’s blog I’ll offer some help for you Situational Extroverts, like me, or pure introverts to get you through the Holiday Season of parties or through social situations in general.

Talents for Living  Part One….tomorrow.

The Rick Factor

I used to be related to Rick, but because of a divorce Rick is no longer my “brother in law”, so I don’t see him much anymore and that’s a real shame because I’m fond of him, he’s a great guy and I always enjoyed talking with him, but the best thing of all about Rick is that funny stuff just seems to happen to him, around him or because of him.

Recently, at my daughter Sarah’s wedding, I had the chance to see Rick again and as we were talking his, 30 something, daughter joined us. I hadn’t seen Jennifer in probably fifteen to twenty years and it was very special to hear her say, “Hi Uncle Michael”, once again.

I asked Jennifer if she wanted to hear a great story about her old man, she, of course, said yes.

Rick fun #1

Just to quickly set the stage; If you remember the television show Bewitched you’ll remember the meddling mother in law “witch” is called Endora, Rick’s mother in law is Edwina.

I told Jennifer when she was about three or four,  we were all sitting around talking one day and she came into the room walked right up to her Grandmother and asked loud enough for all to hear, “Gramma, at home, why does daddy call you Endora?”. As I was trying my hardest not to fall off my chair and fighting a losing battle at wetting myself, Rick began to turn kind of a fire engine red and began sputtering non words much like Jackie Gleason’s, “Homina, homina, homina”. I was getting elbowed for laughing, Rick, I think got a smack from his wife and Endora, er Edwina just starred one of those great mother in law stares, accented by a bit of facial twitching.

It’s one of those moments that you’ll never forget and still to this day I laugh out loud at times when something reminds me of it. By the way, just to set the record straight, Edwina is nothing at all like Endora but was and is still a wonderful lady.

Rick fun #2

I continued by telling Jennifer about the time my wife and I had gone over to baby sit her and her sister Sharon while her Dad and Mom, Veda, went out to some sort of dinner party, class reunion or something.

I had a late model Cadillac, pretty sharp looking, copper color with a white vinyl top. It was kind of a unique color for a Caddie and while it was a factory paint job you didn’t see too many of them that color.

Rick asked if he could drive my car for the evening, I said sure. Well, everything went great with the kids and they were tucked away in bed and I went out in the front yard just as Rick and Veda pulled up in “my” car.

I asked them how the party went, they said, “Great”, I asked how dinner was, they said, “Great”. I asked how the car was, they said “Great”. Rick said thanks for the use of the car and as a thank you he had filled up the very large gas tank. I said, “Rick, that’s very generous…thank you…there’s just one problem”, Rick asked, “Problem? What problem?” It was the moment I had waited for since they pulled up to the curb. I hesitated, timing is everything, pointed at the car and stated, “The problem is…is that this is NOT my car”.  Rick did that same Jackie Gleason voice that he had done at Endora’s…uh…Edwina’s. “What?...homina…homina…not your car…homina…valet!?!?!…homina…homina”.

I pointed out that while the car at the curb was the same color as mine the vinyl top was tan and not bright white like mine and that the key ring that he just handed me had pictures of kids that I do not know, cute kids, but not mine.

About a half hour later Rick returned home with MY car and told us how the owner of the other car was pacing back and forth in front of my car that the valet had delivered to him and that he was very angry till he learned that he had a full tank of gas.

Rick, Jennifer and I had a good laugh over the story and then said our goodbye’s.

I hope I haven’t put into your mind that Rick is some sort of buffoon or goofball, because he isn’t, far from it. He just happens to be one of those people that odd and funny things happen to, and it’s those types that make this world a bit more bearable a lot more fun.

President Ford

Former President Gerald Ford died early this morning and my only reaction was, “Hmmm”, and I don’t exactly know why.

I don’t dislike President Ford, I have nothing against him and yet his death brought none of the feelings I had when we lost President Reagan, President Kennedy and yes, even President Nixon. So, I’m wondering, why this non reaction on my part?

Of course, I am sorry for his friends and family for their loss and the death of anyone who has contributed something positive leaves a little less light in this world. But I think my reaction has something to do with what kind of President he was and I guess in a word his presidency to me was, “Hmmm”.

He seemed to me to be the “substitute teacher” President, just short of being the real thing. He was also the guy who was always falling down the stairs and the guy who helped make Chevy Chase famous with his pratfalls on Saturday Night Live. He was hated by some for pardoning Nixon, but looking back now, wasn’t it the best thing for the country?

I was eight years old when President Kennedy was assassinated and I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the gut, really hard. I remember the sorrow of the country and the collective feeling of loss.

I don’t remember the deaths of Presidents Johnson, Eisenhower or Truman, but being from Southern California the death of President Nixon had an effect on me. I lived only 4 miles from his birthplace and Presidential Library in Yorba Linda where he is buried.

And although his presidency is forever scared with the memories of Watergate, I believe that in better times President Nixon did make some good contributions.

Next to President Kennedy the loss of President Reagan had the most impact on me. I had the opportunity to visit his library and grave site the week of his passing and it really moved me. I felt a sense of loss and sadness, even hearing the news brought me to a pause.

But I have none of those feelings with the loss of President Ford and that’s a shame because by all accounts he was probably the nicest man of the whole bunch. My thoughts and prayers are with the family and personal friends of President Ford and I honestly mean no disrespect here…BUT…”Hmmm”.

My TIVO is an Idiot

Yes that’s right…my TIVO is an idiot.

Who won the San Diego – Indianapolis game?

I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

What happened on Monk Friday night?

I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

I did my part…I looked the game up on the schedule,

hit the handy red record button for the program,

NFL Football , San Diego @ Indianapolis…cool right?

NO…because the game went past the 3hours and 30 minutes

in the schedule grid and my TIVO stopped recording with several

minutes left in the game.

Why? Because my TIVO is an idiot.

Did Monk and Natalie solve the latest caper while driving Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy slightly koo koo? I don’t know because my TIVO is an idiot!

My TIVO said “Monk” on the Playing Now list but it wasn’t Monk, it was the show that came on before Monk.

I know that you’re probably saying there’s only one idiot in my household and his name isn’t TIVO and that operator error is most likely to blame.

Oh contraire, being a fan of Monk I am very Monkish in some ways and one of those ways is being meticulous in the extra curricular reading of owner’s manuals and instruction booklets.

NOWHERE in the TIVO manual does it mention that I have to out think the TIVO and add the program after the one I want recorded, “just in case”. I figured that one out on my own.

And while I’m on a TIVO harangue, TIVO keep your opinions to yourself. Just because I want to watch the football game does not mean that I want to watch the badminton playoffs from Jolly Ole England.

One final thought, the makers of TIVO are idiots too. Did you hear that TIVO was miffed that everyone was using their product name as the generic term for DVRing a program? As in, “I TIVOed the game but haven’t watched it yet”?

They sent word out that talk shows and the like were not to use TIVOed any more.

Are you kidding me? Have they not seen the success of the brand names that have become the generic term for products? Kleenex and Coke to name a couple.

Oh well, I’m going to go set my DVR to record the presidential debate and the three programs after it, just in case.

Because as you now know…my DVR is an idiot!

The N Word and Stuff

Let me state right from the start that Michael Richards', outburst at the Laugh Stop last week was indeed in poor taste, mean spirited and downright childish. BUT, and this is a big BUT here, does it deserve this much, overblown, hysterical media hype? The indignation from the black community of, "Can you believe what he said?", doesn't ring true with me...and here's why.

I am white, I live in the South, I subscribe to HBO, I have neighbors who listen to Rap music... I hear the word "nigger" on a fairly regular basis and almost always from black lips. What gives? Either the word is offensive, demeaning and cruel or it isn't... I'm sorry you can't have it both ways. If you would simply substitute the name Chris Rock or Dave Chappell in the place of Michael Richards then all of this becomes a non-story and why is that? Simple, hypocrisy from the black community and white guilt.

I am a big fan of stand up comedy and comedy clubs, I have seen literally hundreds and hundreds of live stand up performances. I have heard black performers call black people in the audience "nigger", a lot. I have heard black performers call other black performers "nigger" but it's a non issue because to use the word you have to be a member of the club, you have to be black. That does make a bit of sense to me... but not much. 

I have also heard a ton of black stand ups refer to the whites in the audience as honkys, crackers, white boy and white trash. No outrage...why? Because of white guilt... it's very much okay to take shots at the white population, especially southern whites (hicks and rednecks) if you prefer, because, "they have it coming". It's a fairly popular routine among black stand up comedians to talk about what's wrong with "white America", about the things that stupid "white people" do. Eddie Murphy created the standard "white" accent that most black performers still use on stage today. Where's the indignation from the white population? Where is the demand of apologies from "white" leaders and law suits for this outrageous behavior? It's not there and never will be... because there is no one word for whites that carries the hurt, anger and suffering that "nigger" does. It's pretty easy laugh off being called cracker or honky, basically because both words just kind of sound funny... "black" America has tried and tried to find a word to match the power of "nigger", they never have and never will.

So here's my point, how do I convey to my 15 year old son that "nigger" is an offensive word, especially to blacks, when that's exactly where he hears it from. He doesn't have first hand experience with the struggle of equality, the turmoil of the sixties or the victories of Martin Luther King. All he knows is that DMX and Ludicrous say "nigger" or "nigga" if you prefer, all the time, that black kids at school refer to each other that way and that black comedians on HBO get big laughs with the word. How in the world, black America, do I teach my son not to call you what you call yourselves?
So, yes, Michael Richards was dead wrong to call members of his audience "nigger"...BUT Chris Rock is just as guilty...stop the hypocrisy and start the healing.

Andy in Color...No Thanks.

I hate the Andy Griffith Show in color, it’s a fact.

I love, I mean L-O-V-E, LOVE, the B&W Andy Griffith Show. No matter how many times I’ve seen a particular episode I am enthralled each time. I feel like I am there and I really care about those people and what happens to them.

BUT…after the fifth season when they started producing the show in color something happened…something bad.

Yes…you’ve read my mind…Howard Sprauge showed up.

And with the arrival of his namby pamby smarty pants attitude the charm of Mayberry left, in glorious color. I hate the coloreds.

I have a friend, Kera O’Bryon, she and her husband, Christian, are big fans of B&W Andy too…but they also hate the color Andys.

The Andy Griffith show premiered on CBS in October of 1960 when I was five years old. I don’t remember there never not being a Mayberry. In my memory Andy, Opie, Barney, “Aint” Bee, Gomer, Otis & Floyd have always been there.

And they are still there…in my dinning room hutch, top and center is Aunt Bee’s

Mayberry Cookbook, on the wall of my office is an autographed picture of Andy & Barney.

In my neighborhood when my neighbors Dawn, Danny, Misty or I call out to one another we do so with a loud refrain of, “Hooty….Whoooooooooo”, the call of the Red Crested Web Footed Lake Loon, from the episode Back to Nature when Barney is lost in the woods with Gomer.

I had a friend once who casually said to me, “My pant leg went all Andy Griffith on me.” I knew exactly what she was talking about, if you don’t understand… it’s a boot thing.

I live in the Carolinas, where each fall in Mt. Airy, NC (the real inspiration for Mayberry) hosts Mayberry Days, there is a Mayberry Sheriff’s car that patrols around my neighborhood sometimes.

To my delight and good fortune, I have met Don Knotts, Ron Howard, Howard Morris (Ernest T. Bass), Betty Lyn (Thelma Lou), Hal Smith (Otis) and Elinore Donahue (Miss Ellie).

You can spend hours on the web discovering Mayberry information, here’s one of the coolest things I’ve found. The actual outdoor set of Mayberry which was known as Forty Acres. Each link will take you to another and another…enjoy.

These characters will live with me as long as I do and I’m grateful for their

company, many laughs and a few tears.

I love the b&w Andy Griffith Show… But… well, you know the rest.

“And don’t the trees look fuller”

Andy Taylor

Opie the Birdman, Episode 101, aired September 30, 1963

Honesty

My New Year’s wish is simple. Can we bring back some good old fashioned honesty

this coming year?

I’m tired of all the excuses, all of the, “it’s not my fault”, “I was as going to BUT”, “I‘ll try” and all the rest. You’ve had them used on you and at some point, if we’re being honest here, you’ve probably used a few yourself.

It’s convenient and oh so easy to do, late for a meeting?, “I’m stuck in traffic” works great. Don’t want to go to a party or gathering?, “Uh, I have to work that day”, or “I can’t get a babysitter”, are superb little white lies.

And really who gets hurt by those “little white lies”? You do, that’s right YOU! You’re compromising yourself, your good name and your reputation. Plus, when you tell one of those tiny little fibs you often have to embellish it later and drag others into the deceit…not fair.

How many times has the phone rung and as you go to answer it someone in the room whispers, “I’m not here”. Then you’re left holding the bag and are forced to lie. Lying is bad enough but forcing someone else to lie for you is rotten.

So when did all of this lying become so hip and mainstream? Many will say Bill Clinton, ushered us into this uncouth season, when he pounded his fist on that podium, glared into the camera and lied to the whole world about Monica Lewinsky. Imagine that? I know all of us has told a lie at some point, to some one,  but to lie to the whole world at once…with a straight face? That’s a special kind of liar.

It’s funny that the same people who supported President Clinton’s right to lie are the same people who are so upset at George Bush for “lying” to the American people about WMDs, go figure.

So how about this for a crazy idea? As we ring in the New Year, let’s bring it in with truthfulness, honesty and integrity. If every American told not one lie this coming year, imagine how crime would drop, how your interpersonal relationships might flourish and how much better deal you could get on a new car.

Many will say that it’s impossible because there will be those that will lie anyway and that’s true, but how bout giving it a try. Let it begin with you and see if you feel better about yourself. Then begin to notice how often others lie and how unattractive it is.

I wish you all a Happy, productive healthy, successful 2007…honest.